Inverness Only An Illusion

The population of Scotland was today shocked by the news that the city of Inverness is only an illusion.  It transpires that the city has never actually existed and was merely an invention of the imaginations of the people of Aberdeen.

Inverness - This isn't real

This news has come as a great shock to the people of Inverness and Inverness Football Club, amongst others. As it would appear they don’t exist either.

Geographers will meet during the next week to decide whether to remove Inverness from Scottish maps or not. It is currently unknown where all pictures of Inverness have come from, more details are due to be released shortly.

‘Blackpool Better Than Costa Del Sol’ Rages Gerrard

Liverpool midfielder and all-round dodgy guy Steven Gerrard today informed the press of his belief than new signing Joe Cole is better than Lionel Messi. As most football fans will know Messi is, if not the best, one of the best players in the world. Meanwhile, Cole was not an automatic pick for his team Chelsea last season and was infact released, joining Liverpool who finished lower than Chelsea. Messi’s Barcelona team won La Liga and reached the Champions League semi-finals, thanks in no small part to some unbelievable performances by Messi including scoring four goals against Arsenal.

Lio finds the Cole comparison rather amusing

Neither Messi or Cole have publicly responded to the comments made by Cole’s totally biased captain Stevie G. It is thought however that Messi is simply above such nonsense and that Cole wants to retain some decency and not allow himself to be dragged into a battle he has no chance of winning.

Gerrard meanwhile felt he was on a roll after making this comparison and felt he should inform the public of some other inferior things he thinks are better than clearly better things.

Gerrard blasted sunny, wonderful holiday destination the Costa Del Sol (Coast of Sun), claiming that it loses on every front to British town Blackpool (Pool of Black). Gerrard went on to claim “There’s far too many foreigners abroad for my liking.” He then thoughtly deeply before adding, “And not enough cars up on bricks.” Powerful stuff.

Stevie finally realises what he's just said

This isn’t the first time a professional footballer has made a totally unjustifiable claim however. In 2005 never-settled Stoke striker James Beattie claimed that he felt tic-tac-toe was better than beach volleyball in every conceivable way. Beattie later was forced to take back his words after it was revealed that not only had he never played beach volleyball, he had neither played volleyball or visited a beach. “A beach is the thing with the big screen in town isn’t it?” asked a clearly bewildered Beattie.

The Guardian were the first British paper to break this story, and interestingly the journalist who wrote the piece chose not to enclose his name in the article. It is widely believed that this was his attempt to avoid association with Gerrard’s insane comments.

Cole meanwhile will aim to return to living a normal life in the hope that his new skipper won’t make any ridiculous claims which pile the pressure on him in the near future.

Cole: "He said what...?"

One must feel a degree of sorrow for the innocent Cole and I must add that only some of the informtation you’ve read is true and that the next blog will be a bit less biased than this one.